So many thoughts flowing through my mind the entire day, yet no time to let them take shape. I wish
I had more energy to counter this fatigue I needed less sleep I could actually sleep well (without waking up several times or disruptive dreams). Okay sleep is the one of the things I need the most right now, but tonight is one of the rare nights I get to “do my own shit”, reinforcing in me once again that down time is really so so important and I should totally stop reaching home only past midnight every day. After which I would make it a point to pray for at least half an hour which would somehow leave me brimming with thoughts and wise reflections which compels me to write, and then….I finally turn off the lights at 2am or so. Okay that explains my sleep problems (partly), I know -.-
So therefore, conclusion: leaving time for yourself is damn important. Especially for people like me who value solitude. hahaha
Good simple things have happened this week, suddenly pain is not the focus of my life anymore, only a temporary visitor at certain moments. I have learned to immerse myself into the work I am given, and open my life to others. Expand outwards, listen and absorb as much as you can. Empathise. Genuinely listen and ask questions.
There is a fine line between distraction/repression for escapism’s sake, and learning to focus on other things that are as significant as if not even more significant than the things that make you sad.
I have finally crossed over to the other side, and I don’t wanna go back to where I was anymore.
It is a long journey, and I have made so many false starts full of sky-high hopes it seems, but then again, so much so that someone pointed out to me that all these new beginnings could have been mere means of escaping from the mess I didn’t know how to deal with. Whenever I faced a deadlock, whenever I was afraid of confront myself, I took flight. Fight or flight response - it was never a fight.
But perhaps, they weren’t really new beginnings but turning points. Maybe it isn’t really about beginning or ending or turning the chapters, but just navigating our way around a maze we can’t see from where we are. Perhaps only when we make our way out of the maze, would we know we were losing our way the whole while. Only after we find our way would we realise we were lost, perhaps.
You could say that I don’t know where I’m going but I’m moving forward. I guess that was what I would have said a while ago. But somehow I don’t know why, this week I feel changed, filled, with a new or renewed feeling of purpose.
So perhaps I’m not that lost anymore, perhaps I know indeed where I’m heading, or at least, I can finally see clearly for the first time in ages, where I want to be.
Vision is so important, and at Yellow Octopus I heard something memorable: “Seeing is Believing. Believing is also Seeing.” Often we think we can only believe only after we see the actual thing. But perhaps we will only see it only after we believe.
Thankful for many things, for my loving parents, especially my mother who is like the sun of the family. My lovely friends who have always been caring and supportive and each inspiring in their own ways, and will continue to be so. For my job, this nurturing environment, inspirational culture, and the work that is a good balance of challenging myself and being able to put my intrinsic styles of writing to good use.
And lastly for myself, to give myself some credit after such a long battle, although it has not ended yet. But I shall give myself a (virtual) pat on the back, for being so brave despite not being always strong. And I am thankful for finally feeling more balanced and calm, emotionally. Being able to manage my emotions better and not let them take over me. Falling but not sinking, stumbling sometimes but still moving uphill.
I feel peace in my heart. Not the idyllic Sunday morning in April blue skies kind of peace, but one that is despite everything - despite my fatigue, despite the challenges of daily life, maybe once again, not despite but because. Or despite and because of everything.
Maybe that’s why I was choosing between posting Misread by Kings of Convenience and Postcards in Italy by Beirut, and deciding on Misread in the end. Both are lovely, but if you listen to both songs you will sense the subtle difference in the kind of peace I am talking about :)
Everything is really really about our state of mind, or life condition as they say in Buddhism. Everything remained the same on the outside, but because of an internal change brought about by polishing myself with the three aspects of faith, practice and study, everything changed.
Everything became a bit brighter on the outside, with the light shining forth from within. Things didn’t become easier or less tiring, in fact maybe even more so, but I am happier, because I am stronger. Every day this week, I have resolved during my prayers to tap on my Buddha nature for 7 things: wisdom, courage, life force, strength, compassion, patience, confidence.
Just a few more scribbles about the random things I read today that struck me. Out of the many aspects of my ambiguous job scope…social media management is one of my favourites haha, because I have finally started to discover why the Internet is a treasure trove? Oh welcome myself to the 21st century. I never used to find value in my Facebook news feed until I discovered awesome pages like Poachmag (my current favourite), Fast company, and Design Taxi. There are many more constructive column articles out there than Thought Catalog…..
Like for example on Poachedmag I read this piece on how the word and concept of Love is just so overused, lightly used and misused because we are simply too lazy to ponder and analyse our emotions and the motivations behind our actions. (Or too cowardly/fearful, may I add)
The writer described love in a deeper way, with these words that I liked because they just had more weight: presence, mutual support, grace.
I think grace is such an apt word to describe the different encounters and possibilities in love. Grace towards the other person, grace in forgiving their mistakes, grace in embracing their flaws and loving them with their imperfections. And grace to let go when you know it is time, grace to let go of something you know isn’t yours, because with inner peace and acceptance, you understand that if someone is meant to be in your life, they will be, eventually. The forces of the universe will align to make it happen. And if it is not meant to happen, even if you try to align the forces of the universe on your side, everything that happens will only take you further and further apart.
So this, alongside with many other things I read today, left its mark on my pool of thoughts. Somehow when you are in a high life condition, things just fall naturally into place, or perhaps you are simply better able to discern the connections. Wisdom.
I kept reading enlightening reminders recently that are very relevant, and to my friend with whom I share a mystical parallel journey.
And my friend can I just quote you here because what you wrote on your blog was simply beautiful, I wish to keep it :’)
Yesterday was the most impromptu of meetups but I am beginning to savour the spontaneity that life has to offer. I was given a giant sparkly poster that reminded me of constellations, and there we poured out our lives WITH our lives, words streaming like stars. So many stories, experiences and lessons learnt, and we connected the dots together in spite of our parallel lives. I am so thankful to have a comrade like you, to have this mystic bond with you.
Life is not easy. It is always a concoction of emotions, mostly being bittersweet. This is still a journey for me, and I don’t deny that sometimes I am disheartened by what I feel and experience. But "those who believe in the Lotus Sutra are as though in winter, but winter always turn into spring." Like what we both said, we may not be confident of ourselves and we are very uncertain of so many things, but we have courage. And it is with this burning courage that I will continue to trailblaze my own path, and with this flame thaw the frozen hearts of many others.
Here’s to being bright stars in the night sky, our entire beings burning so bright that the fire of our own hells become the guiding lights for many others to follow.
Also, you mentioned this line that struck me: Nothing relieved me more than understanding the truth of my own feelings.
I can totally relate to that feeling because sometimes the greatest source of frustration stems from not knowing ourselves, yet only having that persistent and growing feeling we are in a mess.
But it also resonated with me for a different reason, and may i just add a few words that would make a layer of difference:
Nothing relieved more, and nothing pained me more, than understanding the truth of my own feelings.
Because this is my story.
But one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in life so far?
Time will always heal :)
Therefore we must be very patient - no matter how difficult it is, we must be able to go on. To be strong, we must be very patient, and very brave.
We can never be fully prepared for life, and we will never be able to know what will happen next. But what’s more important? To be strong enough for the unexpected.